NOTE: This blog was inspired by the work of Dr. Ursula Whiteside.
At some point life will bring you to your knees.
There really is no getting through this life without hardship. And to be honest, it’s the contrast against hardship that brings our life’s joy and satisfaction into clear focus.
When life throws you into the river of despair, what usually gets us through is our “A-Team” throwing us a life preserver. They lean in when times get tough and their presence makes us feel like we matter. This crew doesn’t just materialize out of nowhere — it’s something we work on.
Building Your A-Team
“A-Team” folks are people who have your back and you have theirs. When working well, your A-Team is standing by ready to pull up their sleeves and lend a hand to get you back on track. Everyone should have at least three people (better to have 10+) they can call at 3 O’Clock in the morning when things can seem most bleak. It’s best to figure out who is in your A-Team is before the crisis, so consider who might be on your “A-Team”. Maybe “A-Team” candidates are friends from childhood, mentors, or cherished family members. Whomever they are, it’s probably a good idea to let them know that they are on your A-Team (and maybe develop a code word to let them know when you need to connect urgently). Answer these questions to help you think about who your crew members might be. See if you can get at least ten people identified:
Who makes you feel good about yourself? ___________________________________________________________________
Who brings out the best in you? ___________________________________________________________________
Who knows the “real” you? ____________________________________________________________________
Who would support you even if it meant they were inconvenienced? Who would drive across town to be with you? ___________________________________________________________________
Who is a good listener? ___________________________________________________________________
Who do you trust? ___________________________________________________________________
Who has “walked a mile in your shoes” or at least shoes that are similar to yours? _____________________________________________________________________
If you have no one on this list, you may need to go back in time to find people who served this role for you in the past. Was there a teacher, mentor, elder or friend who empowered you? Who saw you for who you were? Can you find them through social media? It’s never too late to reconnect with someone who valued you. If you still have no one, building connections is your work for well-being. Are there faith communities you can explore? Hobbies or other recreational groups? Peer support groups? Building a community of belonging is central to our psychological health.
Now that you have a list of people, text or call each one and let them know how much they mean to you. Let them know you were thinking about them. Send what we call a “non-demand caring contact” to them — a brief text or voicemail that simply states in your own words:
You are on my mind.
I care about you.
I am here for you.
I see how strong you are.
You matter to me.
Maybe set up a time to get together with members of your “A-Team” — just one-on-one — some time over the next few weeks. Let them know what you need from them when you need support. Most people just need their “A-Team” to show up and listen or just “be there.” There are no magic worlds. Chances are you will take turns on who needs who. Being your brother’s or sister’s keeper is the mindset. When you don’t know what to do to support others, ask yourself, “what would they do for me in this situation?”
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